I hope you will appreciate the “humor” in the articles written by Eric Perlin. He is a local resident, who has written and performed in comedy skits in Author’s Playhouse in Bayshore and as quoted by Eric himself, “has also stooped to writing for MAD magazine!” From time to time you can enjoy his “BAD ADVICE COLUMN,” right here!
“BAD ADVICE COLUMN”
WHAT TO DO WHEN CALLED FOR JURY DUTY
Being called for jury duty is always a great honor and the pay is always lucrative. By all means, do all you can to assure you are picked.
First of all, it’s important to dress appropriately. So be certain to wear a clean pair of sneakers and a neatly pressed tank top that properly matches your shorts.
The attorneys from both sides will ask you a series of questions to determine your skill and objectivity. Your responses are seriously considered in their deciding whether to pick you, so don’t blow it.
You might be asked something along the lines of, “How will you determine whether a defendant is guilty?” While there is no single correct answer to that question, any of the following responses should do nicely:
• “I don’t believe in wasting time looking at evidence, and listening to a lot of testifying, and all the usual trial junk. If a police officer felt like arresting the guy, that’s all the evidence I need.” (Note: This attitude shows reverence for our Constitution: the “Right to a speedy trial.”)
• “I would ask my mom how she thinks I should vote.”
• “The best way to decide a verdict is to use the Magic 8-Ball. The 8-Ball always knows the truth.”
Additional questions will usually pertain to your views on key issues involved in the case you would be serving on. Be ready.
If they ask, “How do you feel about capital punishment?” you might want to say: “Punishment should be capitalized only if it is at the beginning of a sentence. Otherwise, punishment is normally lowercase.” (Your knowledge of proper grammar will show that you’re well-educated.)
Question: “What do you think of drug dealers?”
Best answer: “Most of them are very good. I like both CVS and Rite-Aid, but I used to find good buys at Genovese sometimes too.”
Question: “Are you familiar with anti-trust laws?”
Best answer: “I’m against them. Why should it be against the law to trust someone? There’s too much suspiciousness in society today as it is.”
Question: “How would you weigh the evidence in a case of gross negligence?”
Best answer: “If you want to know about gross negligence, you should have seen what my wife wore last night. It was the grossest negligence she’s worn yet!”
Answering all questions as I’ve recommended will make you a virtual shoo-in for jury selection. In the highly unlikely event that you actually get turned down despite having used the sensible replies I suggested, their decision probably had nothing to do with anything you said.
It’s most likely because that tank top you wore didn’t quite go with your shorts. (At least you didn’t wear your wife’s gross negligence.)
LAUGHS TO YOU ALL, ERIC
South Shore Counseling & Mediation Center is a full service mental health agency, offering CBT counseling, EFT modalities – (tapping), therapeutic counseling, a variety of behavioral and psycho-educational programs and divorce mediation. To speak with one of our therapists please call 631-286-8282, e-mail us at SSCounseling1@optonline.net or visit our website, Southshorecounselingcenter.net.