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Ask Michelle – Your “Family Therapist”

BAD ADVICE COLUMNsmby Eric Perlin

I hope you will appreciate the “humor” in the articles written by Eric Perlin. He is a local resident, who has written and performed in comedy skits in Author’s Playhouse in Bayshore and as quoted by Eric himself, “has also stooped to writing for MAD magazine!” From time to time you can enjoy his “BAD ADVICE COLUMN,” right here!
“BAD ADVICE COLUMN”
The “Knock-It-Off” Method:
An Innovative New Approach to Psychotherapy
The traditional, old-school psychology takes years to help the average patients with their conditions. However, with an innovative new technique developed by Dr. Melvin Freen called the “Knock-It-Off” Method, patients can be cured immediately. It works as follows: When patients tell the doctor of problematic psychological symptoms that they experience, Freen tells them to “knock it off.”
Dr. Freen explains his radical new treatment approach as follows: “Since patients’ symptoms are indicated by their behaviors, I tell them to just plain stop their behaviors. If they comply with my advice, they will be cured in just one visit.”
Here are some common psychiatric conditions and the phrases Dr. Freen uses to cure them:
• Alcoholism: “Stay away from the stuff. If you’re thirsty, drink a Pepsi.”
• Anorexia: “You’re too thin! For God’s sake, eat something!”
• Assertiveness difficulties: “Stop being such a wimp and stand up for yourself.” (Freen notes that patients with assertiveness problems re the easiest to treat. “They usually agree to whatever I tell them to do with no argument at all,” he says.
• Delusions: “You think you’re who?! What are you; crazy?”
• Depression: “Cheer-up.”
• Manic-Depression: “Cheer-up, but not too much.”
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: “Stop that silly counting. You’re not on Sesame Street.”
• Paranoia: “Nobody is out to get you. Don’t be stupid.”
• Phobias: “It’s just a little spider. Quit being such a wuss.”
• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: “Those things happened to you a long time ago. Just forget about them and quit dwelling on the past.”
Anyone who experiences emotional disorders of any kind would be fully relieved of these symptoms if they were to follow Dr. Freen’s advice.
Freen’s numerous critics have dismissed him and his techniques as “simplistic,” “useless, at best,” “degrading,” “brainless,” and other, even less flattering terms. However, he says, “It always takes time for the mainstream to embrace innovative new approaches.” He expressed confidence that once the “Knock-it-off” method catches on. It will be the standard all therapists will use. Currently, however, the “Knock-it-off” method is used by only 46 per cent of licensed therapists.
JUST A WORD OF ADVICE – DR. FREEN IS NOT ASSOCIATED WITH SOUTHSHORE COUNSELING!
South Shore Counseling & Mediation Center is a full service mental health agency, offering CBT counseling, EFT modalities – (tapping), therapeutic counseling, a variety of behavioral and psycho-educational programs and Divorce Mediation. To speak with one of our therapists please call 631-286-8282, e-mail us at SSCounseling1@optonline.net or visit our website, Southshorecounselingcenter.net.

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